The Tottenham Chronicles

"Spray the sphincters out of the building" Bournemouth - Tottenham Hotspur

It is our privilege to pick the sweetcorn out of this 0-0 display against a plucky Bournemouth. Much work to do!

"Tanning the gooch" Tottenham Hotspur - Everton

This is one of those games where you have grave concerns that this is some poor kids first - and it would put them off for life. We enjoyed it though.

"He's just a hospital Pass Dispenser" Sheffield United - Tottenham Hotspur

We slosh around in the guts of Tottenham's latest sufferball defeat to Sheffield United in the Premier League...Ouchy!

“The heat tiles are flying off him.”

The boys return to gorge themselves on the lacklustre hammers.

"He's got a 5 foot shin." Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester United.

2 retired Hackney Marshes veterans dissect Tottenham Hotspur matches with a rusty spoon, fresh from polluting their minds with it. Let the healing begin.